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September 22, 2005

Why do I shop here?

I ask myself this question every time I enter this horrible, soul-destroying warehouse store. It's so damn big and it's always a fluorescent-lit mess. None of the employees know where anything is or how anything works, and they rarely care that they can't help you.

But the worst part of shopping at - let's call it Shmenards - is hearing its frenetic, banjo-strummed theme song piped in at full blast throughout the store, the restrooms, and even outdoors. (I guess it's so shoppers and employees will know they're not at Shwal-mart.) I don't know how the workers stand it: the song's on a constant loop. I'm there for only 15 minutes, and it's stuck in my brain for days afterwards - I'm hearing it right now, God help me.

But I'm being coy - I do know why I shop there, much as I hate it - you can save big money at Shmenards, as their putridly annoying jingle puts it. What I'm scared of is that some retail clerk pushed to the limit of banjo-music endurance will save big money on a rifle and blow everyone away.

But I put that fear behind me because I had to get some stuff for my garden and Shmenards had just sent me a brown paper grocery bag that gave me 15 percent off anything I could cram into it - up to twice its height.

The first time I used my discount bag, my young checkout clerk was nice. I had picked out four heavy rocks for my garden that didn't fill up the whole paper bag, and I had a big bag of cedar mulch in my cart. Obviously, I couldn't fit the mulch inside the brown paper sack, but she gave me the discount for the cedar anyway (saving me thirty cents). We laughed at how stupid the promotion was, and how time-consuming for the clerks.

The next day I went back to Shmenards to buy four more rocks, as well as a forty-pound bag of garden soil. Again, the stones fit somewhat awkwardly inside the bag, and actually tore it (the rocks are heavy and have pointy edges - not good playmates for brown paper bags). I also bought two bags of halloween candy on sale. But, and here's the crux of my tale, I didn't put the bags of candy inside the brown bag because it was all dusty with rock dust, and, duh, it was torn - the candy would fall out.

Anyway, I go the the nearest cash register with my torn bag of heavy rocks, my bag of soil, and the candy in my hand. I tell the young, pretty, if vapid-looking, teenaged cashier that I'd prefer not to put the candy in the torn bag, and could she please just ring up the discount. It's obvious that the bags of candy can fit easily inside. I'm not expecting any kind of discount for the huge bag of soil.

But my perky little pal doesn't believe me that the bags of candy can fit and doesn't want to give me the discount. Look, I say, the candy fits: I hold the little plastic bags inside the torn bag and take them out again. The bag is just torn, I said, and I don't want to put the candy in there, it'll drop out.

I need to call my superviser, she said. I can give you the discount for the rocks, she said, but I'm not sure I can give you the discount for the candy. Oh, God, I thought, this girl is so dumb.

So we wait for the superviser, who finally arrives, looking frazzled and tired. The girl explains that I don't have the candy in the bag, and what should she do? Should she give me the discount on the candy? The superviser looked at me, looked at the candy, and then looked at the bag. She obviously had a normal sense of spatial reasoning, because all she said was "yes" and quickly walked away. Perhaps my spatially-challenged young friend called her superviser over all day long to look at objects inside and outside brown paper bags. Thank God, the superviser was probably thinking as she hurried away, that the stupid bag sale only lasts a week.

And, no, of course I didn't get a discount on the soil (because even Stupid McStupid could see it wouldn't fit). But to add insult to injury, she took a big black marker and drew a big black X over the torn paper bag - I guess to prevent me from attempting any more size hocus-pocus with other Shmenards employees.

I'm probably being too hard on the girl. I'm sure she was aware that the candy would fit inside the bag, but maybe being an extreme straight arrow, she thought she'd get in trouble or something if she didn't do everything exactly by the book, even if her commonsense told her otherwise. And, I thought as I loaded up my car, being a goody two-shoes myself, that maybe I'd do the same thing. But as I put the shopping cart back in the corral, I thought, naah, part of being good means not being stupid.

Anyway, this is why I hate Shmenards.

Posted by oko at 01:47 AM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2005

Voice of God Part Deux

Somehow I knew that the talented - if occasionally scary - actor Brian Cox wouldn't work out as the voice of the Jesus-substitute talking lion Aslan in the upcoming Chronicles of Narnia film. The leonine Liam Neeson will now do the honors. See how lionlike Liam can look in this creepy image made by a fan on narniaweb.com.

Posted by oko at 11:24 PM | Comments (0)